COW KISSING 101
by Uncle Bear
Whether you want Butter Cup bussed, Calamity Jane caressed, Elsie
embraced, Oona osculated, or Scarlet smooched, there are folks who
will not hesitate to pucker up when it's time to plant a peck on Miss
Patches, Mrs. Pearl, Ms. Pickles, or (just) Princess.
Research (mine) shows cow kissing is a wonderful way to raise
funds for schools, organizations, medical bills, etc., and the people
who willingly pucker up runs the gamut. So if you need someone to
buss your Bossy, just ask around. The list of willing volunteers may
From the world of academia, teachers, principals, and their
assistants are all ready to step forward. Perhaps a bit of spiritual help
is in order. There are clergy willing to bestow a blessing and a quick
kiss. Is there a doctor in the house? That is, is there a medical person
with pucker power? If you need a good sawbones, take your pick -
general practitioner or veterinarian.
What kind of a cow kissing get together would it be without a couple
of genuine baby kissers on hand to smooch "Sparkle" or
"Sugarbabe"? Should you reside in the ideal locale you'll find not only
a willing mayor but an eager senator.
Naturally you'll want a law enforcement officer in attendance.
Knowing whom to ask will guarantee a cow-kissing sheriff willing to
whisper sweet nothings in the ear of "Buttercup" and then gently kiss
Finally, to make your cow kissing a success the more publicity the
better! And what better way to archive that objective than by having
your local TV news anchor attend. Of course the icing on the cake will
be when the anchor osculates "Merry Moo" a time or two.
Uncle Bear is a writer and researcher in North Carolina. He can be reached through: