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COW KISSING 101

by Uncle Bear

Whether you want Butter Cup bussed, Calamity Jane caressed, Elsie embraced, Oona osculated, or Scarlet smooched, there are folks who will not hesitate to pucker up when it's time to plant a peck on Miss Patches, Mrs. Pearl, Ms. Pickles, or (just) Princess.

kissable cow

Research (mine) shows cow kissing is a wonderful way to raise funds for schools, organizations, medical bills, etc., and the people who willingly pucker up runs the gamut. So if you need someone to buss your Bossy, just ask around. The list of willing volunteers may astound you!

From the world of academia, teachers, principals, and their assistants are all ready to step forward. Perhaps a bit of spiritual help is in order. There are clergy willing to bestow a blessing and a quick kiss. Is there a doctor in the house? That is, is there a medical person with pucker power? If you need a good sawbones, take your pick - general practitioner or veterinarian.

What kind of a cow kissing get together would it be without a couple of genuine baby kissers on hand to smooch "Sparkle" or "Sugarbabe"? Should you reside in the ideal locale you'll find not only a willing mayor but an eager senator.

Naturally you'll want a law enforcement officer in attendance. Knowing whom to ask will guarantee a cow-kissing sheriff willing to whisper sweet nothings in the ear of "Buttercup" and then gently kiss her good-bye.

Finally, to make your cow kissing a success the more publicity the better! And what better way to archive that objective than by having your local TV news anchor attend. Of course the icing on the cake will be when the anchor osculates "Merry Moo" a time or two.

Uncle Bear is a writer and researcher in North Carolina. He can be reached through: